bozoangel_097_flickr

bozoangel_097_flickr, originally uploaded by Unclaimed Mysteries.

I can't wait, so please join my traditional Nativity scene friends Mr. Stay-Puft and the Angel Bozo in wishing good riddance a fond farewell to the Twisted Year of Our Lord 2010.

What does a yellow light mean? Moving.

The old blog will remain up for a while, as will the even older unclaimed mysteries blog. I really should simplify this once and for all. Later. Meanwhile,

What Does A Yellow Light Mean? can be found here:

http://unclaimedmysteries.net/blog/

Joyce Carol Oates MAXIMUM FAIL

I've never commented much about Chappaquiddick. Not sure why. Maybe it's because nobody gives a flying rsfck about my opinion on the subject. Maybe it's because the only people I ever hear talking about it are rightwingers, who hypocritically insist that it be treated seriously by everyone else even as they use it to make cheap-ass jokes. "More people have died in Teddy Kennedy's car than in a US nuclear power plant, nyuk nyuk nyuk."

But I have never read such an effortless BLOWING OFF of an innocent young woman's tragic death as I did in this soul-wilting essay by Joyce Carol Oates:

Key passage: "Yet if one weighs the life of a single young woman against the accomplishments of the man President Obama has called the greatest Democratic senator in history, what is one to think?"

The rest of the essay is spent with Lite Anguish over this question.

Brought to my attention from here.

Sometimes you hear the vibraslap ...

purgatorylounge_081_flickr, originally uploaded by Unclaimed Mysteries.

So many potentially great cover tunes for Purgatory Lounge. I usually think about some obscure one around 3AM. Then I remember that I don't sing and go back to sleep. But not this time. How about:

• Please Don't Bury Me by John Prine (obvious choice but personal favorite)
• Cool Blue Reason by Cake (over Sheep Go To Heaven)
  
• Where To Now, St. Peter? by Elton John (Yeah, you heard me, Elton John - this version, please.)
• Jump Into The Fire by Harry Nilsson
• Watching You Without Me by Kate Bush
• Dear God by XTC
  

Living the dream

hat_099_flickr, originally uploaded by Unclaimed Mysteries.

Over the years, I've tried to suppress a certain desire to eventually achieve a seersucker suit. Yes, I know it's what Matlock wore. I have been living this seersuckerless lie for so long. But last night at Target, in the discount bin, $3.74 put me on the road to living the dream. On my head at least.

suckah_099_flickr, originally uploaded by Unclaimed Mysteries.

It goes with EVERYTHING, equally well.

2010 Census in the USA

Several conservatives are questioning the execution of the 2010 Census. Rep Michelle Bachmann (R- MN), for one, sees the dark and heavy hand of ACORN behind the gathering of census data at the command of President Obama.

I actually agree with those who are troubled by the expansion of the Census. The Constitution requires a census for the specific purpose of apportioning representation in Congress. Yet anyone who has ever received a long form knows that it has become a deep and intrusive survey of you and your family's lifestyle.

In 2000 I reported my ethnicity as "Fullblood Yeti" and hand-delivered my form to the local office. This earned me two visits from young census workers telling me that they "hadn't received my form yet," and asked me to fill one out today. I told them I had in fact delivered it in person. Nothing ever came of it. My guess is that those college kids just wanted to see what an Abominable Snowman really looked like.

There was a $500 fine and possible jail time penalty for frivolous entries, but I thought it was worth the risk. If they ignored it, I get a cheap laugh. If they pressed this issue, I would insist that they prove I'm not a Yeti by taking a DNA sample. If they accepted *that* they would be admitting that they actually had Yeti DNA to compare. A revelation well worth 500 bucks for sure.

The point is, there are many types of crazy. The right wing kind just isn't very entertaining. Thank you for your time.

Re-animated

zombiedictionary_099phonepic_flickr, originally uploaded by Unclaimed Mysteries.

Let's start with a recent Crash Boom Bang sketch. More pictures and/or video later.

Standup Zombie


Zombie: cls
Interpreter: Ashley Vaughn

ACT I

Scene 1

Zombie comic introduced as The Zombie Comic. ZC comes out in zombie makup but 1980s stereotype comedian attire: jeans, sneakers, Members Only jacket maybe. He lurches to mike and starts moaning unintelligible nonsense, tapping mic as if to say, "is this thing on?"

ZC

Mah Zombah! Grh? Grh? Ana! Zmah! Zhraa!

ZC is clearly frustrated.

ZC

Gahhahng! Gahhahng!

Audience plant

Excuse me, I speak Zombie.

Audience plant - now Interpreter - comes up to stage left. She can have notes and a podium with no problem. She is dressed for business and has the air of a UN interpreter. She hears ZC groan in Zombish, and clearly and enthusiastically translates jokes into plain English.

ZC

Zangz! Mah zombah! Grh!

Interpreter

Thanks for coming out. Hey, how's everyone doing? Ready to have a good time?

ZC

Mah zombah. Mah zombah garg harman brainz.

INTERPRETER

In case you couldn't tell, I am a zombie and I eat human brains.

ZC looks hungrily out at audience, then steps back behind mic.

ZC

Harman mahb nah brabram.

INTERPRETER

Well, you people have nothing to worry about.

ZC

Bahahaha! Mah zambah hab har-har!

INTERPRETER

Hey, I'm just kidding.

ZC

Grrrh.

INTERPRETER

But seriously.

ZC

Harmans gahn Grisha Hagh?

INTERPRETER

Any Grissom High graduates here tonight?

ZC looks around.

ZC

Grohn slahhah.

INTERPRETER

Don't worry, I'll talk slower.

ZC

Mah zombah b rannan - nahn hangarg haarh.

ZC

Mah zombah gah na-ahnna zaghana.

INTERPRETER

So, my girlfriend broke up with me.

ZC

Mah zombah sahd raba gangbang brains! Grh.

INTERPRETER

All I did was tell her I loved her for her mind. And she walked out, just like that.

ZC

Zaganah. Ahm rrahrh rrhnrrh?

INTERPRETER

Women. What's up with them?

ZC

Mah zombah nah hranz na zaganah. Zaganah mah zombah grab tattoo.

INTERPRETER

So, I've been seeing a new girl. She wants me to get a tattoo.

ZC

Mah zombah zahz "Ragh!" Mah zombah grab tattoo ehkh-a-skeh, zah ih ... nah lakh tattoo mah zombah mabban arm zmazh.

INTERPRETER

I say "sure, sweetheart!" I think I'll get a tattoo of an Etch-A-Sketch, so if ... I don't like the design I can just shake my arm and start over like this.

ZC demonstrates by shaking arm.

INTERPRETER

So, I've been on the road a lot lately, for the past oh, nine hundred years.

ZC

Mah zambah hab har-har baggah hazdah zahn zaz zaz.

INTERPRETER

I'm now going to tell a joke about the Battle of Hastings in 1066.

ZC changes mind midstream.

ZC

Hrrg. OOOOOH ZOOON!

INTERPRETER

Too soon!

ZC

Haaaaaaag!

INTERPRETER

You've been a fantastic audience, thank you and good night!

Interpreter exits. Lights down.

All rights reserved.